afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting

wee. syok je tengok orang bercouple. but i'm not jealous mkay? i just don't feel the sparkle of being in love anymore. mahaha. i'll just let the time flow and make it own decision. yah, love is a subjective that you won't get it in force, in sudden or in a plan.


love is something unexpected, something that would make you feel alive.


seriously, i am afraid of falling in love again #true confession.


because i know how harsh it was when you had fell too hard on someone that didn't know how to appreciate you as much he appreciate his friends. and hell no, i'm not saying that i'm all good, all angel. nah, i do did mistakes. but, you know, heroin mana nak kalah, kan? hahaha so on my behalf, i was thinking that he's the one who should be blame on more than anyone could blame me.


sekarang nampak macam aku tak boleh lupa hal lama kan?


pretty much, hell ya, i don't have the guts to scratch 'em all. like, seriously. every once i remember those things we had shared together, and those hard times where i had to fight for myself, i will feel a very painful feeling throb the hell out of me and irritate the fuck out of me.


and the result? i don't really want to have a commitment on any guys out there where serious says, i could actually have someone better than i ever had. #berlagak but its true.
HAHA


but on top of every thing, i just want some times to be with myself. spending much quality times with my family (where i had waste much times on something useless), and preparing myself to be a better muslimah. not so great but it is better if i do some good changes in my life, insyaallah :)


and oh, i learn my lesson. - think before you say anything. or else, you might hurt people. and yes, i did hurt z, when i said i fell in love with him when actually the feeling had only came just for a while. and i feel so guilty right now :| poor him. i know i sound so vain, but the truth, i am also didn't have any idea how my feeling could change like that. am so sorry, and so, i decided not to have further serious relationship with him. ahhh, its all happened in sudden.


i know, its my bad.


but i just cannot lie to myself. i'm not fully ready to be in love or to be loved or to love someone. 


bila aku cakap aku single, orang tak percaya. but believe it or not, i am single. and note this, i don't have any feeling of being in a relationship. i do have crush on someone but ah, i won't repeat the same mistake again. 


its jihad when we love someone in silence, heh heh. so let just make thing goes normally, living a normal life (without partner), prepare to be someone better, be nice to everyone and make my family happy with what i do for them!


its enough to make me feel loveeeeeeee. :)